Obsessions and emotions

Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash. Design by moi :)

One of the things that has always been consistent about me is a new obsession. When I love something, anything, it becomes my EVERYTHING for a little while (sometimes a little longer than that). This applies to both my love for art and some people (Shhhhh! don’t tell anyone).

Right now, I’m in the middle of loves and I feel like I’m going through the motions, even when it comes to my emotions. It feels as though I’m reacting based on what I think I should be feeling rather what I actually am. It’s this weird sense of feeling the emotions in my head and somewhere in my throat, but it doesn’t get to my heart or my gut. This may sound so weird, but I hope it makes some sense.

On the other end of the spectrum, I’m also someone who can get quite emotional. I have literally cried while watching ads. I have cried while watching movies, reading and even when experiencing anything remotely moving, even when it’s not to me directly *eye-roll at myself*.

This is why, when I first found out that my mother was diagnosed with endometrial cancer last July, I expected to feel a ginormous surge of emotions. Instead, I’ve been feeling quite numb with infrequent bouts of the guilt of not being able to be with her all the time, of sadness and anger at the situation and sudden panic at the fact that I don’t know how much time we have with each other.

I have hardly been able to talk about it when I’m usually talking non-stop, about EVERYTHING. I’m literally one of those people who is an open book (at least I think so. It’s probably bordering unhealthy as a close friend once pointed out to me). Generally, when I’m asked about how I’m doing and how my family is, it has been almost a lie by omission. When I do talk about it, I’m uncharacteristically emotionless. I have a distinct feeling of playing a part in a play — not myself at all.

I was told that it’s probably my coping mechanism. True. I find it highly disconcerting though. I’m half-expecting something to happen to shake me up or bring me out of this blehhh-ness, but don’t know how, when and if it’ll happen. I’m also hoping that I find something new to be really excited about or find renewed enthusiasm for something. I know there’s lots to be grateful for and I am, I just don’t know what’s going on.

I do know that my mother is being extremely strong — she’s honestly one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. Also, I know she would like me to be that way too and not worry about something inevitable like death, but instead focus on life and relationships. Perhaps this is another aspect that has me caught in the middle of all these emotions of what I should be feeling and what I do actually feel.

All in all, I’m hoping for some release through writing about it. This is also my attempt at getting back to writing. I’ve been absent for a while and strangely enough, have had quite a few new follows even while not writing actively. Thanks for all your support folks!

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Identity, personality and relationships: works-in-progress. Join me in the unearthing of myself through my writing. Karibuni!

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Aleesha Suleman

Aleesha Suleman

Identity, personality and relationships: works-in-progress. Join me in the unearthing of myself through my writing. Karibuni!

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